“Growing up is hard, love. Otherwise everyone would do it.”  ~    Kim Harrison, Pale Demon

Lately, I have found myself at a very strange crossroads. One where I’m not sure where I’m going or even where I want to go. It’s a strange feeling. As a child all I wanted was to be an adult because then I knew I would have all the answers. If I could say something to my younger self now I would say I was more certain of who I was then than I am now. I would tell myself to enjoy the certainty of waking up and knowing that everything was OK, and if it wasn’t that my mum would make it so. I would tell myself that growing up in small town was perfect because it is the very thing that would enable me to deal with people when I grew up. I would not get so upset at being sent to boarding school because those bullies taught me the power of standing up for myself. I would have hated the prison like conditions at my high school a little less because now, very little can bring me to my knees. The nuns who ran my high school conditioned me well. I would enjoy those visits to the rural areas and watching my grandmother do all sorts of things I considered strange. I would have enjoyed the smoky food a little more. I would have bathed in the river more. I would have climbed up more trees and torn more dresses (yes mum I would). I would have done the dangerous slide down the mountainside one more time (and possibly got seriously hurt….again). I would have pranked my grandmother and possibly got both a hiding and a good laugh from it. I would have hugged my grandmother more. I would have hugged my grandmother tightly like I did the last time I saw her. I just didnt know it was the last time I would see her.  Given, I’m not an emotionally demonstrative person, I dont know who was more surprised…. her or me. But her surprise made her laugh and that picture of her laughing in the fog, on a quiet road,  so early in the morning is my last memory of her and it always brings tears to my eyes.

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