I grew up in the Catholic Church and even though I’m no longer Catholic, some habits are difficult to leave behind. In this case Confession. There was something about telling the Priest the naughty things I had done that made me feel so much better. It made me feel like the slate was clean and I could start again. I was a child then. I’m not a child anymore but today I need to confess, so I will confess to you.
You remember my post, “if you play with fire”? I confess that there’s a detail I left out about the guy in question. He’s married. That should have been enough to stop me dead in my tracks immediately but it didn’t. In fact, i tried really hard not to think about it as evidenced by the fact that I didn’t even put that in my post. I never met with him physically, but in my head, i think i committed the sin.
This was until 2 nights ago. I had a very sobering moment. My chat wasn’t working and I was home alone so I did the silliest thing. He had been on my facebook page and was full of nothing but compliments. So I went to his. I came across his wedding photos. They were beautiful. In every picture his wife was looking at him like he was the only man on earth, like he was her mesmerising sun. I didn’t see the same in his eyes, he just looked happy. They both did.
That look in her eyes forced me to reconnect with myself. I have never ever been the other woman. I know people who have and they had their reasons and i don’t stand in judgement because you never know what its like to walk in someone else’s shoes. But I have always said I would never. What I was feeling was a fascination, a sort of curiosity, a passing fancy. She loved him. She loved him enough to marry him and give him a child. What right did I have to take that away on a whim? For fun? Simply because he is an arse? For my little adventure? How dare I?!
I suddenly realised that my little harmless flirting could lead to something else, even if I didn’t intend that it should. If it did, was I willing to pay the price and the answer is a resounding no. How can I choose to end someone else’s happiness. If I take away her sun, what will her world be and what will I have gained?
In the end I like to think I’m a moral person (though sometimes its debatable) but I made this decision solely on the strength of that wedding photo. I don’t know what the future holds but it doesn’t involve a man who is willing to hurt a woman who loves him so.
So now I say forgive me for I have sinned. If not in deed then in thought and may I never commit this sin again knowing fully well that I am human and I am weak.