A loving heart is the truest wisdom ~ Charles Dickens
You know that boyfriend I love so much, right? We broke up. Strictly speaking that is not correct. I broke up with him and my heart is feeling a little tender.
How do i even begin to explain what happened. There was no drama. No tremors of the earth. No seismic shift. This quarter life crisis I’m in has served to both confuse me and to open my eyes. I have been forced to ask myself what I want, what I need, whether I am getting it and where I am going. The answers have been unsettling. From past experience I know that love on its own is not enough reason to stay with someone. The abused loves the abuser and in their own way the abuser loves the abused. Should they not walk away? Love on its own can lead you down a dangerous path for one reason only….. its blind as a bat.
I asked myself what I need in addition to love. I need emotional support. I have been told countless times guys are not into emotional what whats but an attentive ear when I am going through a stressful period, a joke when i need to laugh and a long quiet hug when I need to cry is all I really need. I need consideration. I need to feel like I am somewhere close to the top of your list of priorities. I need to feel important. Call me old fashioned but I want to feel protected. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than capable of looking after myself but I need to feel that If I cant for any reason, you will be there to help me through. I want to feel wanted not accepted. I want to be acknowledged and complimented because I am beautiful and I know it. I don’t say that in a conceited way but if random strangers can stop me to say my hair looks stunning when I have had it done, its an anti climax if i have to ask my boyfriend what he thinks and the best he can do is “its nice.” Yes, he said that.
Like all relationship therapists say I should, I spoke to him about it which led to continuous merry go round fights. He was unsure or uncomfortable. I really couldn’t tell. Because beating about the bush exhausts me, I eventually asked if he wants to make it work or not because all other questions depend on that answer. He said can we talk about it later. #sigh. What’s any self-respecting girl to do. I told him he clearly has some questions about us and I don’t want to hold on when he wants to go. So I ended it. i told him he knows where to find me if he should figure it out soon. If not, c’est la vie.
I surprised myself. Being able to do that calmly knowing I love him and even throwing in a joke or two marks a new level of emotional growth for me. It hurts but it will heal. It always does. I don’t know what he will choose to do but I know I chose to do the right thing for me and for that reason I chose the quote above. My aching heart is tinged with pride.