“Oh no you didnt!!!”

I am exhausted. Today has been such a hectic day at work but I have chuckled out loud a few times to myself at the memory of the blind date I went on on Sunday evening. Trust me when I say, there are some bizarre people out there.

I should have known it was going to be an experience and a half when the man showed up in a tracksuit and interesting suede type shoes. Instead I disregarded that and said hello. OK, I lie. His get-up put me off a little but I was there already and it would be over in exactly one cup of coffee so why think too hard about it.

We walked into a nearby coffee shop and the true entertainment began. The man is very arrogant assertive and stuck in the stone age very conservative. He started out his very first date with me by laying down the law on how a relationship should work while I dutifully smiled into my coffee in an effort not to burst out laughing. He told me in no uncertain terms that a woman must cook and clean and do the laundry etc. She must make the house a home. To quote the great man himself, “The way things are now is a result of westernisation of our people and I would never be caught dead washing pots in his own home. What would you be doing?” “I see” said I with a smile on my face. Perhaps thinking he was on the winning track he confidently added, “Just from your accent I can tell you spend too much time with white people but I can fix that.” I choked on my hot chocolate.

Because I simply couldn’t resist making the most of the opportunity, I asked him what would happen if he wound up with a girl like me. I work long hours and I get home completely exhausted. I doubt laundry and cooking would be high on my priority list. Would he at least get a maid? (Yes, I asked that….with a very straight face). The answer was every bit as delightful as I anticipated. Of course he would get a maid if his wife worked (and definitely not if she didn’t work) ….but there are some things he just won’t accept a maid doing. “Is that so,” said I. “Like what?” In a very assertive tone he declared he would never eat food cooked by a maid. At this point I chuckled. This was highly entertaining. He also pointed out that he doesn’t like fast-food.

So I asked, if your wife or woman is doing all that, what are you doing? He says “providing.” He said it like it was self explanatory. I kept a suitably blank expression on my face until he elaborated. He will pay rent, buy groceries and pay for all necessities. She would look after him. He said “I bring home the bacon” LOL. He literally said that. I said what happens when I do too. He said “you can use your money for the little trinkets women want like lingerie and stuff” *chuckles*

The second best highlight of the conversation came when I pointed out that I play hockey and I would never be able to cook every night. He replied, “Well, there are some things you just have to give up if you want to be with me.” ROTFL. Enough said.

The highlight came when we were about to leave…

While he entertained me with endless stories about his ex girlfriend who boke up with him before he made it and who would be no doubt be sorry, I had ordered a started portion of buffalo wings. He insisted he wasn’t hungry. At about the time in the story where his ex listened to her friend that she should expect a birthday gift from her man and she got mad at him, I offered him some of my wings. He refused.

Just after he accused me of probably having a boyfriend hidden away somewhere but before he peered through all the windows of my car when we got to the parking lot, we got up to leave. As we did so, he noticed I hadn’t eaten the very last wing (if you can even call it that) on my plate. It was just that pinkie finger sized drumstick shaped portion of the wing. It was so small, a hungry beggar would insult you if you gave it to him. I was full and I simply couldn’t take another bite.

He suggested I get a doggy bag for it and I politely declined and picked up my coat and bag. You need a doggy bag he said sounding annoyed. I was genuinely surprised. Even as he insisted, he was already looking around for a waiter. More firmly this time, I said that wing is too small to bother with a doggy bag. “I’m going to look for a waiter,” he replied! Huh? Now I was irritated. “It’s a tiny wing. There is no point in getting a doggy bag. Can we just go.” “Imari yauri kuedza kusiya patable iyoyi.” (translation – you are trying to leave money on the table.) Now I had reached my limit. “Are you hungry? If you are, just eat the wing!” Oh no no no, he wasn’t hungry at all, he insisted. He just thought I might want to eat it later. The guy got up and walked around the spur to try and find a waiter! *jaw meet floor* At this point I had had had it. Could this get any more embarrassing or awkward??? Apparently so.

Luckily for me the waiter was nowhere to be found but my luck ended there. He did the unthinkable. He picked up a serviette and actually started wrapping the wing. Enough was enough. Where was he going to put it? His pocket? So I sat back down, took a deep breath and asked what he was doing. He said “I will eat it later.” Lord give me strength!!!! I looked him straight in the eye said in my best lawyer voice, “you have one of 2 options, either you will sit down and eat that wing right now (pause) or you will unwrap it, put it back on the plate and we will leave. Decide right now.”

I honestly expected him to put it back on the plate.

He slowly sank into his seat, unwrapped the wing and then ate the wing. REALLY!?!?! I’m sure he saved all of 50cents. All he could say as he gnawed at the bone was “you can very assertive hey?”