“You cannot run away from weakness; you must some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

 

Personal weaknesses are a difficult thing to face. I like to comfort myself by telling myself that everyone has weaknesses and I shouldn’t feel too bad about mine. Unfortunately, maybe fortunately, I have come to realise that while we can hide our weaknesses from others, we can not hide from ourselves. There comes a time when our weaknesses are obvious and we must choose to either face and address them or deny their existence and leave them to simmer under the surface. It’s time to face mine.

As I may have mentioned earlier, I have made it a point to make new friends lately. Initially, my sole purpose was to put some distance between my ex and I’s mutual friends to avoid the awkwardness that comes with the end of a relationship. It has proved to be the best thing I have ever done for myself because I have made amazing friends who have enriched my life beyond belief.

In addition to the fun I have had with them, I have had the good fortune to be able to see myself through fresh and objective eyes….their eyes. In the reflection of their eyes I see my weaknesses and strengths afresh.

One of my weaknesses is opting not to stand up for myself unless I have no other options left. I accept that not every fight is worth the effort but its time I get round to the business of protecting myself. I have no trouble at all fighting tooth and nail for others, so why not for myself. Let my choice to fight or not  be made not because of ignorance, acceptance or weakness but because I am doing what is right for me knowing I am strong. I have spent the last few years looking after others and I have neglected myself emotionally and it has nearly exhausted the reserves I have to look after those who need me. Its time to figure out how to balance the scales.

Not only that, I have realised that people who understand my weakness use it freely against me so I find myself in a situation where it is no longer an option to protect myself but a necessity.

“[I] have not sought this conflict; [I] have sought too long to avoid it; [my] forbearance has been construed into weakness, [my] magnanimity into fear, until the vindication of [my] [wo]manhood, as well as the defence of [my] rights, is required at [my] hands.” ~ Robert Toombs

I have also learnt that I need to show more affection. I have been in control so long that now I hide all my emotions….not just the bad ones behind my sense of humour. I’m at my funniest when I’m feeling shy, awkward or uncomfortable. I also miss my cue to hug people a lot, which is highly amusing for some of my friends. As they have got to know me more they have figured out that they can just hug me…I will catch up eventually. It feels good to slowly let go of some of the control….its like the tingling sensation one gets when feeling returns to a once numb limb. I just need to process that its not a weakness.

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