Fear less, hope more.
Eat less, chew more.
Whine less, breathe more.
Talk less, say more.
Love more and all good things will be yours
 ~ Swedish Proverb

I think I am falling in love and I am afraid. I have so mastered the art of flirting and skipping out of reach that I feel like a fish out of water. I feel vulnerable. Exposed. I feel like I should do something. Perhaps grab onto something. Stop the downward spiral. Perhaps even run away from it.  He knows what he wants. He is not afraid. I admire that. He sees no grey. Just black and white. I see nought but shades of grey. He doesn’t know I’m afraid. Perhaps he can sense it. He treads ever so carefully. He doesn’t allow me to wander too far away and yet he doesn’t hold too tight. He is just there…. constantly.

A couple of months ago a friend said I wish someone would come and knock down your great wall. I laughed. I laugh at everything. A deep and healthy laugh. It was so funny because it seemed impossible. Look at me now. My wall is in pieces. Sometimes, when I lie alone at night, I secretly try to put it back together. But, wonder of wonders, I don’t remember how I built it. The pieces are meaningless to me.

Why do I fear love. It has not hurt me anymore than anyone else. I want it. I fear it. The great paradox. What lies behind the fear. Who lies behind the fear. That shadow I see behind the curtain. Sitting quietly in the darkness. Controlling me. I want to see the puppeteer who pulls the strings. Who holds the key to this mystery. I want to sneak a peek. I want to know. I pull back the curtain and lo and behold…. I see myself.

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key. ~ Lyrics from Already Gone, peformed by the Eagles for their 1974 On the Border album