If the title of this blog post is not warning enough, let me reiterate….. I am about to overshare.
“I got mugged! She took everything I’ve got.
It’s called “The Brazilian Wax.”
Why didn’t you tell her to stop?
I tried. I feel like one of those freaking hairless dogs.
It’s an aesthetic thing. Everyone goes there out here.
Of course they do. LA men are too lazy to have to go searching for anything.
You can’t hide your light under a bush.
Didn’t she leave something, a triangle, a little landing strip?
No, I am totally bald and may I add, freezing.
I would have killed her.
I’m so aware of down there now. I feel like I’m nothing but walking sex.
Nothing sinful about Brazilian. It makes you do crazy things. You have to be very careful who you invite to Brazil.” ~ excerpt from Sex and the City s3 ep14
Now that that’s out of the way, I have to ask……. who came up with the bright spark idea of waxing body hair??? No really? Were they making a candle one day and it occurred to them that “hey, wouldn’t it be an awesome idea if i put hot wax on body hair and ripped it off.” What amazes me even more is how many people swear by waxing. Far be it from me to knock what I haven’t tried, and hearing many good things about the results, I foolishly decided to brave a Brazilian wax…. yes, a BRAZILIAN. Of course, common sense would dictate that I start small wouldn’t it? Maybe my eyebrows….or if I’m feeling particularly brave, my armpits but common sense be damned. Completely ignoring the fact that I have never waxed anything in my life, and feeling foolishly brave and telling myself I have a particularly high pain threshold, off I went to the waxing salon.
I’m sure everyone has had that conversation with someone who waxes regularly or has at least tried it once…..you know the one. The one in which they tell you how painful it is. That conversation, for me at least, always ended with the other woman assuring me that it is totally worth it. You and I are having that conversation now….
Let me tell you in terms those people never fully made clear to me. IT IS PAINFUL. Lord! It’s painful. Wax ripping the hair out of your skin by the roots is not for the faint of heart. And not just any skin, the skin on your va jay jay (as Oprah calls it). In case you don’t know, that part of you doesn’t deal well with pain. It tends to feel like its on fire…. right before another layer of hot wax is added. Add to that the indignity of having a stranger fiddling around down there……. One word. *mortifying.* I was totally psychologically unprepared. That experience could single-handedly make you surrender your life and soul to Jesus. For all you know you could die. I don’t think nature intended for us to be parted from our hair, any hair, in that manner. Seeing as I have already surrendered my soul to Jesus, I had to go to the next level…. speaking in tongues and hysterical laughter…..and a very heartfelt Hallelujah when she said she was done. If I had dropped dead in that moment I would have gone to heaven…express.
Granted, the results are everything they said to expect. Perfection. Buuuuut wa! That pain. I do NOT recommend it unless you have had a shot of vodka first.
For now I feel like I am quite happy to grow and tend my little garden South of the Border and as and when the time comes, let my prince charming work out the question below. Though I strongly suggest he works out how to climb….