“change alone is eternal”

This year, in emotions, has been bizarre. It’s been a roller coaster of the type that leaves you dizzy.  Work in particular has been difficult for me and lately I have been feeling exhausted emotionally and psychologically. Isn’t it ironic that when you feel that way, all the levees tend to break lol. Maybe to make sure they tip you over the edge lol.  My not-so-easy-to-deal-with boss has been nothing short of impossible. Sometimes she’s just frightening. My siblings….well, each has been on their own of emotional tangent and insisted on taking me with. Even my brother who is normally the easiest to deal with has had a bee in his bonnet. I suppose they can’t know I’m not coping if I don’t say anything. In addition, in two years I will turn 30. I have been asking myself what I hope to have achieved career-wise by then. Am I on the right path? Is this my calling? How do I add value to my personal brand? Making enough money is a goal I have been very open about. Will I ever make the kind of money I want to make? Will I manage my family responsibility emotionally and financially? The odd thing about family responsibility is that it’s a permanent state of being. It’s not a to do list item but it still appears in my stress list.

Yesterday, after a brutal 2 hour meeting with my boss I had to make a huge (and I really mean huge… a proper 90 degree course correction) career decision. I don’t think either of us saw it coming. I had been toying with the idea for a while but I was so uncertain. But in that meeting I had a moment of clarity (or I snapped). Either way, I decided it was time to take the leap. Of course, a couple of hours later I freaked out completely along the lines of “what have I done! I am not ready! {insert french here and a little crying in traffic on the way home and other such dramatic antics}.” I don’t know if I have done the right thing. In fact, I wont know for a while but all I know is when I couldn’t go for the change myself, change came for me. Perhaps, there is a greater voice in there somewhere. It all remains to be seen.

In the meantime, I need to put on my big girl panties and get to work on making the future that I want.