Crutches

“You have to remember fear is not real. It is a product of the thoughts you create. Don’t misunderstand me, danger is very real. But fear is a choice.”

I am rarely afraid. It’s something I can often shut down and ignore. I guess it’s a survival skill I have acquired over the years. This is one of the rare occasions when that skill is failing me completely.

I already know all the things people say to each other and to themselves to overcome fear of any sort. I have said them to myself. I have said them to others. They have been said by others to me. I have read all the Bible verses that speak to overcoming fear. Just last Sunday, I sat through a sermon about God’s plans. I know it. I believe it. I speak it. But I’m still afraid.

I’m going in for attempt number 2 to surgically repair my foot in a couple of days and I am afraid. I’m afraid of the pain I know I will feel when I wake up. I’m afraid of the fear of falling that becomes a part of your life for the time you are on crutches. I’m afraid of the torture that is climbing stairs. I’m dreading the way people look at you with pity in their eyes (this is the worst part of it all). I’m afraid of the endless number of pills that will march their way past my lips. I’m dreading the loss of my independence. I’m dreading the constant and quiet pain that is ever present in the days after. I’m dreading the visits from well-intentioned friends I haven’t seen in light years. I’m dreading all this and more. The doctor was right when he said the recovery hurts more than the surgery. It does.

I am facing my greatest fear… helplessness… and there’s nothing I can do about it except to just buck up and grow a pair.

This time I can’t say I will certainly continue blogging during my recovery. I remember how hard it was to even have a coherent conversation after a dose of painkillers let alone to assemble my thoughts enough to write something readable last time. So this time I will take a 2 week break from blogging and everything else.

 I will spot you guys in the long grass (in approximately 2 weeks) xoxo.

 

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