violent partner

“… you don’t have to wait for someone to treat you bad repeatedly. All it takes is once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future.” ~ Jane Green, Bookends    

I was going to share this post today anyway but it has greater significance to me this morning because at about 2 am this morning I was woken up by the screams of a woman begging her man to stop hitting her. Despite the sad nature of the event, I was touched by the number of men and women alike in the apartment complex that rallied to help almost immediately. Needless to say, I slept very badly for the remainder of the evening.

Gavin Sharples is a motivational speaker who I first listened to at a work conference a couple of years ago. I then went on to subscribe to his newsletter which pops into my email once every few weeks. Seeing as its free, I’m sure he wont mind me sharing it here so I decided to share it henceforth starting with this week’s. His focus is mainly living a balanced life etc and as with all things, his advice might not be suitable for everyone but its certainly a good dose of common sense.

THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE YOU WILL EVER MAKE IN YOUR LIFE.

“Okay so I have to get onto my soapbox again and start preaching! On the surface this might seem as if it is a message for younger women or girls as I suppose they are my main target audience here, however it is designed for men as well.

Ask my teenage daughters what the one message is that I drum into them; like a systematic tap dripping on their head torture method; and they will tell you it is: the most important choice you make in your life is the man you choose to marry, spend your life with and with whom you choose to have children!

 I was going to ask woman who have picked incorrect men in their lives to send me a note about their story’s but I decided against it because I think my mailbox would crash.

 I personally know dozens of women who chose the wrong man and lived (in some cases) to regret the decision they made. Let’s face it ladies, good men are hard to find. There are so few of us left, there’s Tom Selleck, Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, very few of us left!

 I suppose the real question is WHY? How come so many beautiful, kind, intelligent woman end up with Neanderthal knuckle draggers?
If you were fab in the 80’s you may remember a song which became my anthem by singer song writer Joe Jackson; Is she really going out with him! The lyrics speak directly to this almost inexplicable situation.

Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street…
…Look over there! (Where?)
Here comes Jeanie with her new boyfriend
They say that looks don’t count for much
If so, there goes your proof…
… Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
‘Cause if my eyes don’t deceive me,
There’s something going wrong around here

At this point I must clarify that I am not only speaking about physically ugly, I am most definitely talking about emotionally ugly, self-centred, male chauvinist pigs. You know the type of male a woman gravitates towards for what seems to be inexplicable reasons. The exact same men that beat them and their children treat them like pond scum and eventually leave them.

 I have even tried to do psychological research on this phenomenon. I have found explanations ranging from;
• our society drives woman to seek out the alpha male in the pack for protection from a cruel world.
• and a certain part of a young woman’s brain is only fully developed after age 26 and therefore they cannot make rational decisions and see what others can or listen to what they are being told.
I cannot argue with psychologists or their research all I can say is: stop this nonsense immediately!

 When I was growing up and on the dating scene it was always my modus operandi to be the nice guy. Grooming myself reasonably well, showing manners and respect, always trying to talk about interesting things and mostly asking her about her. As a result of this, my dating life resembled The Bismarck carrying a cargo of Yo-yo’s. Shot down and sunk 10,000 times but it kept coming back up for more. The guys however who were rude, self-centred and openly after only one thing, seemed to conquer the school and varsity campuses like Charley Sheen in The House of the Rising Sun.

 Guys, you have to know dozens of absolutely beautiful woman who are involved with idiots. Can someone please explain this phenomenon to me? As I have said I have tried, but even women who are over the age of 30 still do it! Women who have come out of abusive relationships seem to gravitate again to the next bozo thug – Sandra Bullock what were you thinking?!

So I think it’s time to share some words of wisdom based on what I have learnt over my almost half a century of living on this blue ball.
• If he is in any way violent, give him a miss!
• If he solves his problems with his fists, one day you will be his problem!
• If he is mad about guns, collecting them and gets excited about shooting and killing things, you may need more then a toilet door to protect yourself. Please let’s not let the tragic violent death of Reeva Steenkamp be for nothing.
• Watch the way he speaks to and treats his mother. It’s his blueprint.
• “The perfect guy is not the one who has the most money or who is the most handsome one you will ever meet. He is the one who knows how to make you smile and will take care of you each and every day until the end of time” Anonymous.
• Young girls generally gravitate towards men who have a similar value system to that of their fathers. So gentlemen if you wish your daughter to choose wisely a man who is loving, kind, considerate and who will protect her for the rest of her life, then be that man for her now! Set the bar; set the standard. In short, be the type of guy you would want your daughter to be with.
• Me again – “the most useful asset of a man is not muscles, good looks (although it helps), tattoos or a M3, but a heart full of love with ears open to listen and hands willing to help, protect and love”. Damn that’s pretty cool!
• Love isn’t about the coolest, toughest, alpha male; it’s about the man who walks into your life and says, I’m here for you always, and then proves it! Man this stuff’s just rolling off my tongue!
• For those of you who are battling to find that someone – just look around with different eyes! He is there waiting to love you forever. We may not be the toughest, hottest or richest but we are here waiting for you to see us standing behind his biceps. Until you find “him” just remember these words from Wisdom Quotes “She’s single because she refuses to change her relationship status for someone who falls short for what she deserves. Knowing her value, she’s chosen to preserve a spot in her heart for a real man, someone mature enough to understand that loyalty, commitment, and honesty is a priority and not an option.”
• A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he cannot stand to be without for one night!
• A boy will tell you that he loves you; a real man will show you!
• A single, divorced, mother, ex-friend, once said to me, “Don’t ever marry a jock, he will cheat on you! Marry the nice guy; I learned that the hard way!”

So are there some alpha male, tattooed, muscle heads that are also nice guys? It is possible! But it’s probably as possible as this country ever having a transparent, efficient, honest, caring government elected by the people.

Don’t give up hope, it is possible and you just have to choose wisely because it’s the most important decision you will ever make in your life!
Love, light and laughter
Gav

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