“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” – Emo Phillips
I have to start this post by asking you this… when one googles spanking, do you now how many sexy and/or naughty and/or hectic and/or downright alarming pictures of a sexual nature come up? *fans self* Here I am, an honest decent citizen, looking for a funny picture about disciplining errant children and I find a picture of a topless betty boop being spanked by what appears to be an animated George Clooney!
Instead of wondering why I am not Betty Boop, let me tell you what set me on this path…
My colleague was telling us about her niece and nephew that are so spoilt that they are unbearably bratty. This led to a lively discussion about our most memorable moments of childhood discipline. My story began with Charhons Loose Biscuits. I don’t know if these biscuits are still produced in Zimbabwe but I will never forget them.
I was in pre-school and my pre-school teacher, Mrs Mugauri, came round to our house on one of her home visits. My mum, ever the gracious host, set out about serving her a snack: A plateful of Charhons biscuits and Mazoe.
Boy, did I want a biscuit.
I didn’t get offered one. So what was an industrious young miss to do. Knowing fully well that we were not allowed to ask for things a visitor had been given, I walked over to my mum and whispered, may I have a biscuit? Of course she replied “no” with a little frown. I am sure she was wondering why I would break a well-known rule lol. At this point I would probably have received slight verbal admonishment only after the our guest left. If only mum knew how industrious I was about to get…
I figured that she would and could not say no to me if our visitor overheard me ask so I went and sat next to my mum across from our guest. After about a minute, I boldly said, “Mum, May I have a biscuit?” This caught her seriously off guard lol. This time, even as she said no with a smile on her face, I could see “the look” in her eyes. I’m sure we all know the look. It’s the look any good child knows means you have pushed far enough.
As a testament to how much I wanted that biscuit, I soldiered on, “but I really want it mum.” At this point, my teacher was watching with interest and my mum was embarrassed. So my mum cleverly slipped her hand under the table and pinched me just behind the knee as she again said no. I promptly hit the last nail into my own coffin by looking her straight in the eye and asking her indignantly and loudly, “why are you pinching me??”
My teacher burst into loud laughter and said to my mum, “murikumunyimireiko? just give her the biscuits.” I got the biscuits and I thoroughly enjoyed them. Of course, while I ate them, I had no appreciation for just how steep the price for bullying my mum into giving them to me would be. I actually felt clever lol.
Then my teacher left…. and Armageddon came. Suffice it to say that there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Gosh I got a good and proper hiding (neshamhu yemupichisi!!!) and I thoroughly learnt my lesson. Mum was not to be challenged in front of guests and when food is dished out, one must always wait politely to be offered some.